Yesterday, I had another bout with my fears and insecurities. I'm really trying to be secure, but I'm still a work in progress. Some triggers for my fears and insecurities still remain.
I'm not quite there yet. Just a little bit more.
I've shared this so many times, but one of my fears is the fear of not being enough.
The worst part is whenever I feel I'm not enough, it's difficult for me to pick myself up. No matter how many times God tells me I am already enough, no matter how many times people try to comfort me, it's hard for me to accept their love and affirmation.
Maybe there will always be times when we will get insecure. After all, there will always be someone stronger, more intelligent, more successful, more good-looking, and just better at something than we are. It's how we respond to those insecurities that matters.
Whenever I feel insecure, I pray for the person whom I think is better than me. I pray for that person until I feel that I'm genuinely rooting for his or her success and happiness.
My problem is that I could not forgive myself for feeling that way because I'm trying to avoid that feeling. I'm trying to always be secure. But when I fail to do so, I punish myself for not being the secure person I want to be. Unforgiveness (if there's such a word as unforgiveness) is also why I have a hard time accepting God's and other people's love.
Last night, or it was already this morning, I fell asleep at four. When I'm not at peace, I have difficulty sleeping. I only fell asleep when I prayed the rosary.
When I woke up this morning, the first thing that came to mind was God telling me, "I forgive you. Forgive yourself as well." So I decided to finally forgive myself. Now, I'm feeling a lot better and I'm ready to move on. I also learned something new about myself—it's not so much of the insecurity that made me feel bad, it's the unforgiveness. I guess how I felt last night was a blessing in disguise. The next time I feel insecure, I'll just acknowledge my feelings, pray for that person, and forgive myself for feeling that way.
Now, I'm also back to fulfilling my dreams. Not to become better than anyone, but to become the best version of myself.
How about you? Are there times when your insecurities are triggered? How do you cope with them?